PLEASE - A Guide to support your partner in birth
The role of the birth partner is a privilege with great responsibility. You have love and care to bring in the form of emotional and practical support. These quick tips to please your partner will help guide you.
Please
Prepare
Find out what you need to know, do and plan.
Know - Learn both of your needs, values and priorities. Learn about your partner’s birth plans/preferences. Learn about the NHS culture, what challenges you may face and the risks vs. benefits to accepting certain common intervention. Know where you can turn to for information/evidence when challenges arise.
Do - What needs to be done ahead of the birth? Pack your birth bag, write and print your partner’s birth plans, clean the house, put up the cot, install the car seat, stock the freezer, etc?
Plan - Consider birth and post-partum needs, planning for meals, visitors, self care, support, household responsibilities and healing. Consider hiring a postpartum doula to support the family after birth.
Love
Oxytocin is responsible for love, labour, bonding, milk ejection reflex and help with healing. It thrives in calm and connection and is discouraged by stress and disconnection. People’s general well-being and relationships would thrive much more if we considered the science behind love and stress more. Your role as a partner should prioritise this high through the entire pregnancy, birth and postpartum - generally all the time, regardless.
What makes your partner feel calm, loved, cared for and safe?
Finding out your partner’s love language is a great way for you to understand how your partner feels most loved. Finding this out maybe enhance your relationship generally:
Words of Affirmation - Tell them what you love about them and how proud you are of them.
Quality Time - Give them your undivided attention - avoid getting out your phone! Listen, understand, and validate then.
Physical Touch - Cuddle, massage, hold hands? Massage and dancing are amazing for movement and comfort during labour. Allow your partner to be supported by your body and keep close to boost those happy love hormones.
Receiving Gifts - Is there anything meaningful you can buy, give or make for your partner to show them ‘I thought of you’ in the room? A photo collage of your favourite memories together? A sentimental gift to mark the new baby coming or to signal her strength?
Acts of Service - Notice what needs doing and do it without being asked. Take initiative and lessen the load for your partner to show you see, care and love them. What can you do in the home to take responsibility and remove any weight from them?
Be aware of your own stress and how to best manage it. The antidote for oxytocin is adrenaline. Birthing parents need to feel calm and relaxed. They can also sense when those around them are feeling stressed. This can actually impact them and how their labour is progressing. If the idea of anything to do with labour makes you feel stressed, take time during pregnancy to find ways to manage this so you can be the best loving support for your partner and allow those love hormones to thrive. Seek psychological/mindful support for grounding techniques and stress management.
Dance and move
Keeping close, keeping moving and having fun together is a great way to physically aid baby in the right position, keep them supported and boost those love hormones.
If its consensual... Sex!
Oxytocin levels are high where there is love and connection. Not only that, but high levels of Oxytocin are responsible for an orgasm! Nipple stimulation and sexual stimulation is great for upping the necessary hormones. Semen has also been shown to have naturally high levels of prostaglandins within it which may help soften the cervix. If you’re both up for it, get in the bedroom (or whatever takes your fancy - as long as it’s legal!)
Environment
Optimise your environment for calm, comfort and connection. Your partner will be occupied with labour, and so, setting up the environment to bring her calm and comfort is your responsibility.
Protecting the environment from disruption is also important to consider. Consider putting a sign on the door asking for minimal intrusions and quiet voices.
Here are just a few ideas considering the five senses to get you thinking...
Sight - Visualisations of affirmations and photos of loved ones placed around the room in areas they may rest.
Smell - Sentimental scent from a happy memory, such as the cologne you wore on your wedding day or the room diffuser from a happy holiday.
Taste - Favourite snacks packed with nutrients.
Hear - Make a playlist of affirmations or favourite music to move around to
Touch - Consider bringing a favourite blanket and pillow from home
Advocate
Your partner will have values, wants and needs for labour which they will have as part of a their birth plan/preferences. Active labour can find us birthing parents unable to interact or communicate normally. This is when we need someone we trust to speak up for us.
Consider it your priority to hold the space for your partner and be their mouth piece and protector of labour. In order to do this well, we need to be acquainted with the birth plan/preferences and the policies in the hospital. We may also want to prepare phrases to help us speak up or safe words to signal to our partner that we want to ask for time to discuss what is being advised. Challenging conversations may arise, but please do remember that advocacy should be respectful, honouring and kind. It can be unwavering, confident and assertive without being cruel to those who are overseeing our partner’s care.
Self-Care
We can’t pour from an empty cup. Your role as a birth partner is with great responsibility. You may be needing to be present for hours or days, moving around, physically and emotionally supporting your partner. You may find yourself having to put your needs last - get okay with that now. You are still a person with needs and limited capacity. It’s really important to recognise when you need to rest, refuel, reframe and refocus.
Rest - Take appropriate moments to give your body a rest with a Power Nap or a lie down if you're sleep deprived or exhausted in supporting your partner.
Refuel - Pack lots of snacks, bring money for on-site catering and keep up your fluids.
Reframe - Take moments to reframe negative beliefs and to encourage yourself - even better to have a doula or someone you trust on the the end of the phone to help you do this. This may even look like placing your own affirmations in the room to encourage and motivate you.
Refocus - Take regular breaks so you're able to focus on your partner. This may look like a 10 minute walk, or taking 10 minutes to listen to some mindfulness apps.
Encouragement
Never underestimate the power of words. You are your partner's champion and encourager. If labour has gone on for a while, it can be easy to feel discouraged and deflated. Here are just a few phrases to encourage your partner and keep them motivated:
You can do anything for 60 seconds
Each contraction brings you closer to your baby
You are so strong and courageous
You are safe and you are loved
I am so proud of you